*boxing match between Ortiz and Lopez*
Dad: I don’t know about you but I want the Mexican to win.

Smashing Pumpkins song “Soma” comes on
Mom: ooh Soma this is my night time fwend!

Mom: I’m making salad for dinner
Dad: I wanted salad you must have read my mind
Mom: I did
Dad: did you see all the naked little boys too?
Mom: …….

(holding a key)
I’m gonna put this up your asshole!

Hey Ian, smell my balls.

(Commercial about Jesus Touching People)

Where is he touching them?

Whatever floats your ballsack in your mouth.

Ian you should take a shower with me because I haven’t been able to wash my back.

I only shower from the neck up and I’m fine.

Ian’s lady friend: does peeing on a rattlesnake bite heal it?

Dad: no ill just take a shit on you and you put half on the wound and you eat the other half and that fixes it.